All I Am is Trapdoors and Attics

I am nothing but a lost cause, always trying and never succeeding, stuck between a brick wall and a hard place, the ocean and the sea. For I am simply a human being, breakable and misguided. I am not perfect, though I wish I was. I am always aiming for perfection and falling achingly short, forever wondering where I went wrong. I am always dreaming of what could be, the future that is so close within my grasp. I want that vision, that life, that version of who I am now.

I used to be so sure of everything that I wanted to become. I used to be so sure of my dreams, my goals, my aspirations. I used to have my entire future planned and laid out in front of me, waiting for that first step, that first grasp of success. I thought I knew what I wanted. I thought I knew everything I was going to do, every single step of the way. I had the subjects chosen, the career path set in place. I had everything waiting and then—

What happened?

I was going to study the maths and sciences. It was always going to be Biology, Chemistry, English, Methods and Psychology. It was always going be those five. And for five sure years it was those five. For five sure years I knew what they would be. I was going to be a doctor. I was going to work alongside the life giving nurses and be a real life hero. I was going to help people. I was going to save lives, cure cancer and make a difference in a world where it is so hard to make your mark.

But then?

I still want to be a hero. I still want to save lives and make a difference in this world.

Then what?

My interests changed and the doubts set in. I observed the people around me, how much smarter they all are and that I could never compete with them. I saw that they were all so much brighter than I am, far more knowledgeable, with futures brighter than mine could ever be. The doubts set in and tore everything I had apart. The doubts set in and tore away at my plans, my dreams. They tore away at my goals and my future. They tore at my path and everything I knew I wanted. They tore away at everything I had, and left me with the hollow corners of my mind and the doubts that reside beneath trapdoors and attics.